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Gotta Start Somewhere

Hello!

You look a little lost… It’s ok, join the club. No one is judging you here. Hannarchy is the perfect place for lost people. That’s why I’m starting it. You gotta start somewhere I suppose, so I figured this is a good place to begin.

The general masses tend to look a little like sheep, and you happen to have that “I’ve-got-wool-rattling-around-in-my-head” glaze over your eyes. Wonder of wonders and miracles of miracles, you’ve indeed stumbled upon a messed up little sheep trying to make sense of the big vast world. I think the most unfortunate reason people feel lost is that we are all trying so very hard to look like we have it all together. I’ve been pretending like I have it together for far too long, and I’m getting tired of it. How about some honesty, eh? As a sort of therapy for myself, Hannarchy is my blog. I’ll write down the truth about me and how I see the world. If my mother is the only one reading what I’ve written, that’s ok. It’s not about you, vast universe. It’s about me. Me and my life and realizing I only get one chance to live it. I believe I’ve got a purpose, and living in the bubble isn’t it. 

The hardest thing in the world is truth. Honest, brutal, unswaying truth. And having the courage to tell the truth is sometimes stupid. You sit on the floor with your cookie dough, and stare at the ceiling thinking to yourself, “Life is stupid. I don’t want to be an adult. The truth is, all I want to do right now is lay on this floor and eat cookie dough and wallow.” And you know what? That’s ok too. Being honest with yourself is the first step in the right direction.

You want to know about me? Here it goes: The unfortunate truth, and what I’m going to do about it.

My name is Hannah, I’m 22 (almost 23), engaged to my favorite person (my Cheshire kitty), I’m an ambivert,  and I’m tired. Like the soul-suffocating-stare-blankly-out-the-window-and-hope-your-boss-doesn’t-think-you-were-out-drinking-last-night kind of tired. I’m getting enough sleep, enough water, less grease and more fruits and veggies, and yet…still feeling tired. It’s not depression (been there, done that, got the bumper sticker), and I think I finally figured it out.
I graduated college last April with a bachelors in Media Arts. I love that I went to school to do something I love rather than something that was practical. I did theater, photography, a little film, graphic design, and web design. I love to write and read and cook and color. I worked at a camp in West Virginia this past summer (which I loved to death) and then started a job as the media liaison for a super small financial investment company in SC. I was excited since my boss had told me I’d be re-designing their website, and doing a whole lot of re-branding for the company. It was about two days after I started when I realized he had hired me more as a glorified secretary who also happened to be functional at media stuff. They didn’t actually need much work in the media department, and I kind of felt gypped.

The incredibly heinous thing about working at a job you dislike isn’t that you dislike it. It’s that you find yourself accepting where you are because it pays the bills (and thank God you aren’t working at McDonalds) and that it’s close-ish to what you want to do. You sigh, stare out the window, sip your tepid acidic office coffee, and resolve to one day quit and find something better. Which is what happened to me. I found myself doing the same thing every day: wake up, shower, go to work, not die of boredom, go home, make dinner (or heat up leftovers), watch Netflix, go to bed. The only variation was that sometimes dinner and Netflix was at my boyfriend’s house after I had changed from my work clothes into sweatpants. I realized about three weeks ago that I was trapped in a bubble I hated, and didn’t do any of the things I used to love. I haven’t been involved in theater since last fall (I was the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland), mostly because I don’t really have time for rehearsals anymore, I don’t really do photography any more, and I only cook a little bit on weekends, and never color anymore. But the worst part of all, I have no motivation to write.

Writing used to be my passion. I loved it and it was the best escape from the mundane world I had ever found. But somewhere along the road (I’m guessing sometime after graduation) I stopped writing. And I hate myself for it. I’ve never been good at drafts, so when I write I like to make it perfect the first time. Which makes any novel difficult. One of the reasons it’s taken me so long to get anything done is because I’m only sometimes a perfectionist.

All of this so far is background; here’s what I’m trying to do about it.

1. I started bringing my own lunches to work. Instead of eating out, wasting money, and piling on un-needed calories, I decided to start bringing my own lunches to work. I scrounged through Pinterest and found easy and healthier lunch options. Since I love to cook, I usually make just a little extra dinner so I can take it to work the next day. For example: I made orange chicken and cilantro lime rice last night for dinner, and brought some with me to work today. Go me!

2. I want to start writing a little every day. Thus I present to you, Hannarchy. Something that’s really been weighing on me lately is the fact that too many people put this mask on, hoping to come across as put together or funny or smart or even functional, when really they’re falling apart inside. I’ve done the same thing, and I’m sick of it. I want to be real about me and who I am and what I want in life. I found a piece of a journal entry last night and this is what it said: “I cannot let my dreams die. I want to write books and design things and take pictures of beautiful people. I don’t ever want to lose sight of what I want to do with my life. If I let those dreams die without planting and growing new ones, then I myself will die.” I’m terrified of starting a blog though. I’m terrified when people know the real me, they’ll realize they might not want to be around me or read what I think or say. But I guess if someone is willing to abandon you when you’re being honest and real, maybe they were never supposed to be in your life in the first place.

3. Get involved. I need something to be involved in. I found an online book club, and I’m thinking of starting it. That way I’m reading books again, and talking about them with people. Real people, not just talking to myself in the car. But I need SOMETHING. I’m part of a dungeons & dragons campaign (which is really nerdy but I love it), and that’s about it.

4. Find a mentor. I really want a mentor, but it’s not as easy as all that. I kind of more just want another woman to share life’s crap with. Someone who has been through life a bit and kinda knows how things go. Someone who can share their stories with me and I can learn from their life. I’m getting married soon, and I would love marriage advice from someone who’s walked that tightrope before and has good advice for someone just starting out.

Dear Lord, that was a lot… sorry guys. That’s just where I’m at.

I heard someone once say, “All aboard the struggle bus!” But I don’t feel like a passenger, or even the driver of the struggle bus. I feel like the teddy bear strapped to the grill of the struggle bus, hurtling at uncontrollable speeds down a road marked “DEAD END”.

I solemnly promise to do one thing: Be Myself. If I am anything else but this, then who am I, really?

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10 thoughts on “Gotta Start Somewhere

  1. Great blog! I’m a ‘rapidly approaching middle age and denying it’ married mom of two. If I have one piece of advice on marriage it is ignore everyone who tells you never to go to bed angry. You are going to go to bed angry A LOT. It’s how you actually work it out in the days that follow that matter the most. Marriage is a roller coaster-not a romance novel so be prepared for lots of work. Also most importantly, if you have kids… still remember to take some quality adult time with your husband. My hubby and I make a point of traveling somewhere tropical once a year to ‘honeymoon’ without the kids. We’ve been together 14 years this year, so I think we are doing something right! 😉 Enough of my rambling- I do that enough on my blog! I gave a follow! Have a great day!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Enjoyed your first post and look forward to reading more. I was right where you are about twenty years ago. I veered way off the creative path for the sake of security and a paycheck. Don’t let that happen to you. You have a genuine, engaging style of writing and a great perspective on life. All the best.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Woah that was a lot, but totally relatable but then such is life only you can create what you want from it,difficult tho but hey gotta try,really enjoyed your first post and looking forward to reading more

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  4. Hi there 🙂 just want to say thanks for sharing. Wow! What a story! But it’s definitely not done yet. I think it is so true that you have to start somewhere so it is awesome that in the midst of your situation you are beginning to pursue that which you feel you may have been neglecting. It is so important to do so and I’ve learned that lesson many a time the hard way (you think I would have learned by now). Anyhow, congrats on your engagement! Marriage is the best thing in the entire world and no I am not just saying that. It can be intimidating to think about and sometimes to make the choice to love one another each and every day is a bit more complex and difficult, but it is the best. My husband and I have been married just over a year, but every day I am finding that I can love him and serve him even more (and he thinks the same but about me). I wouldn’t trade it for the world. All the best to you guys! 🙂 and get stoked for an awesome adventure ahead! Will definitely follow.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m really enjoying reading your posts. It’s uncanny how similar we are, seriously I felt like I was reading about myself (except for the engaged part lol). Just want to say I really laughed out loud when you described the teddy bear strapped to the struggle bus haha!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh my, you write very well too! Doesn’t matter if it’s long as you managed to still keep me engaged. And I think I love you too now, we are kindred spirits you know! We have so much in common-age, the “I love to read and write and cook and color”, and the obsession with being truly honest about everything especially about ourselves. And oh I almost forgot, I am also (I think) engaged! Yay 😍 but not really officially engaged as he didn’t really kneel down with a ring and asked for my hand…you know, we just kind of talked about it. Anyway and whatever, I still like to think we’re engaged, lol. I’mafraid this comment may get longer than your post so bye for now! Gotta stalk your other posts! 💕

    Liked by 1 person

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